i am trying to grow into myself and patience has never been a large component of my life. today was supposed to be a day of awesome--getting things done and enjoying the beauty of a rainy day with an affogado (thanks Ashley)--but instead Aunt Flo had different plans. She came in with her attitude and luggage and i instead spent the day laying in bed wishing this be-yatch would hush her pains.
i had an excellent discussion regarding happiness. it seems as if everything is "perfect" or at least building up to that point, yet i still feel this nagging of something not being right. i usually chalk it up to missing school although when i remember my college days, i am reminded that i often was not happy and suffered through constant depression. most of those days were spent with thoughts of boyfriend and guilt of not being smart enough or focused enough to do my class work floating in my mind. why would i find that especially happy? is it that i just miss the freedom of saying "fuck it, i'm skipping class" without almost no consequences? it's not like i can just say fuck it with my job and skip a day or two and expect to keep that source of income. i gots bills to pay, right?
sometimes i think it's a matter of redefining "success" for me. that feeling used to come from the rare recognition i would get from school, but that's a very fickle gauge for success, waiting for someone's pat on the back. and i have issues with linking happiness to success because of the intangible nature of what success can be. isn't it success enough that in this economic climate i am with an excellent company, moving up and impressing people enough to think enough of me, and able to pay my bills and some extra? the pursuit of perfection isn't just a slogan highjacked by lexus, it seems to be a concept that i chase blindly.
i need to leave myself time to slowly move into myself. i rush almost everything and i think patience will do a better job of helping me answer those burning questions than struggling to find something to just fill the void. i have so many projects that i think about and am unsure of contributing time to that i ask myself why even think about these things at all? everything demands time and energy and i have never been one to multi-task well. i think about working on my paper all day, agonize over it, and yet at the end of the day, i have done no work. what does that say? that i don't want to work on it? that i'm scared to try? that i'm just plain unfocused? Ashley's right: i need to be in the right place mentally for that before i try to force it. i don't want to confuse laziness with being mentally prepared and i think that's what i've been doing so i'm going to take a step back and let it come. i'd be a lot "happier" with a little progress each day than an all day project that gets ignored again for two weeks afterwards.
happiness. i don't even know why i use that word anymore, i don't know what it means, nor do i understand why i get so caught up in pursuing "it." i should let it happen? yet, my brand of happiness has never been one of your more conventional types so i wonder what form it will come in and if i will even recognize it. will my happiness forever be the night i sat in kenan stadium, looking up at the stars by myself, crying my eyes out and wishing for a release from the hell that i knew as my life? is that wrong to think of pure happiness as floating towards the stars, looking back to see your lifeless body below, and smiling as you move closer to forever-ness? i've got to be honest: that's just how i see happiness still although i know that life has some glimpses of it as well. philosophy kept me from hurriedly going down this path, getting me to ruminate on the logic of using my life resources until the end when these are gone. i certainly haven't gotten to the bottom of the barrel yet, but nor have i been able to escape this pure giddiness. perhaps i need to give more of myself over to other pursuits. only time will tell. i will work on my patience.
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