dreaming into reality

i will put this the best way i can, with much honesty and as little confusion as possible:
i was reading a magazine at work today about the actors of the "Twilight" series, and yes, i have read the books (brain candy defense!). what struck me wasn't robert pattinson's edward pics, but the way all three of them were describing their work. they were excited and passionate about it. i just stood there and thought about what i do and who i am and where i am in my life right now and almost cried. i thought about you and the discussions i had had with you and needed to have with you and wanted to have with you. i thought about the feminism that flows between us and the connections of feminism that i wanted to tape into. i visualized the steps of my life up to that moment ever so briefly, like a montage. i just instantly felt a sharp piece of anger; i felt something had been stolen from me, at least for the time being, that was dearly mine and was calling to me to come get it. it was/is a future and a past that called out so desperately for me to live it, where i am joyous and confident and have worked for what i love. it was a life that reminded me of how disconnected my current one was from what i had dreamed and poured my emotional drive into, Ashleigh the actress, the singer, the feminist, the philosopher, the artist, and the lover of myself and my creation of my life. you remind me of this, of my obligation to myself to pour myself into things i love and to demand the respect and reciprocity of those tasks. i'm going to go get it.