There's an adulterer sleeping beside me...

So, before you read my post, check this out:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/10/dear_prudence_my_wife_doesn_t_want_sex_so_i_visit_prostitutes_.html

I first saw this during my morning swim through my inbox. It was posted by Feministe, which by the way has the highest likelihood of being read among my emails. Jill certainly has an amazing way with words and I am inclined to agree with her, but I won't go into specific reasons why, I want to avoid repetition.

What I want to comment on is the obvious that's just beneath the more obvious layer of shit of the man's character (and lame ass justifications for his actions-repetition!), this being the issue of compatible sexuality and its link to Westernized sexuality, specifically for heterosexual men and women.

My entire sex life literally up until now has been tangled in a constant frustration over my own sexuality: how to express it, experience it, what it is and what it's not, and how a partner was supposed to figure into this mess. Once I felt like I got all the "me" stuff worked out, along comes a partner, and well, back to square one. And something tells me that this situation might just be universal.

Here's an excellent example: this dude makes out like he's a revved up sex machine and his wife is little ms.--er, mrs.-- frigid. He's tried to talk, she didn't want to listen. He's tried doing more chores around the house to free up her energy and her time so maybe it could go to servicing his dick a bit more (Hello! Maybe the lady wants a little time to herself!). But perhaps it's an issue of sexual compatibility that he's run into (among MANY other issues like selfishness? maybe a wee bit on his part?) and he, being an ignorant sexual partner, doesn't recognize that his sexuality does not dictate her sexuality.

Fine, you could point out that no no no, she's doing just that by determining their sexual time table with "bland" sex about once a month. In either case, the point remains that sexual incompatibility is at work here, and neither partner is wise enough to deal with it. A good question to ask at this point (one I have had to ask myself many times) is how important to a successful relationship is sexual compatibility? Well, before everyone screams some absolute answer at me, consider how diverse people are and how many types of intimate relationships there are out in the world. Obviously some people value sexuality and sexual compatibility more than others and some less than others. With this situation, the answer is confusing. On one hand, it's very important or else he probably wouldn't be risking his marriage over getting laid enough to sate himself. On the other hand, he's fucking "hired help," not his wife, and I wonder how into it most of that "hired help" is. So does sexual compatibility with his wife matter more or less than his own sexual expression?

Granted, suppressing one's sexual expression is extremely uncomfortable to say the least, I can definitely vouch for that. But sacrificing one for the other is not the way to go. Too many people get hurt, and I'm not just talking about two people, I'm talking about everyone out there who's trying to make a mutual sexual relationship happen. Enter Westernized heterosexuality. Unfortunately, this brand of heterosexuality creates a world where men's sexual needs rise above women's and women's sexual desires and needs becomes those of men's. If you don't believe me, watch porn for about an hour. Read some erotica. Talk to some regular straight joes and janes. See if you don't find yourself experiencing firsthand "Man Over Woman" heterosexuality. Could this be creeping into the decent adulterer's sexuality?

I don't think his problem is that he's caught in a sexless marriage, running the risk of fucking up his kids with a very real prospect of divorce because he's decided he needs to screw around behind his wife's back. I think that's the effect. I think the real problem is a sexual incompatibility based upon a heterosexual identity that justifies men's sexuality being of greater importance and need over women's.

And by the way, just because she's having an orgasm doesn't mean she's satisfied. Duh.